I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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