Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
