he thought i was a dude.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
