Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
