Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
of course. lets lasso hookers.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
