if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
