I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
