I just made out with a guy for $7.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
