new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize