I met the friendliest cop last night
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
