literally had 100 drinks last night.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
