I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
