I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
