so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
