her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
