somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
