I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize