So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
