Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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