I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Watching her eat just hurts me
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
