She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
