I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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