I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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