How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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