We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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