I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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