So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
