I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
