worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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