Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
as a side note pls kill me
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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