so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
