just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
