went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
