Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
