How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
