I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
