I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
