I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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