How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
