If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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