i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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