God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
