Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I fill condoms, not promises.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
