my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
