don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
