george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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