Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
