Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
