i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My dick has a subreddit
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
