i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
