Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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