I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
