i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
