My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
