Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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